


just a crack text fic

by DapperMuffin



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Crack, Gen, I'm Sorry, If You Squint - Freeform, Minor Alexander Hamilton/John Laurens, Nonbinary John Laurens, Texting, Trans Aaron Burr, and also ukranian, apparently hercules mulligan is canadian now, herc is like high or something, srsly i dont know what he was doing during class
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-27
Updated: 2020-08-27
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:54:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,048
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26147500
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DapperMuffin/pseuds/DapperMuffin
Summary: It's the end of the week and everyone is tired. It's also the last class of the day, and lunch is next. After lunch they get to go home.In the meantime, major fuckery occurs, and everyone loses braincells AND their sanity.In summary, cannibalism, arson, "parking lot," and general entertaining bullshit in the group chat of a Zoom.
Relationships: Alexander Hamilton & John Laurens & Gilbert du Motier Marquis de Lafayette & Hercules Mulligan
Comments: 6
Kudos: 16





	just a crack text fic

**Author's Note:**

> this is 100% a transcript of the chat of the Zoom for my French class today. legit. (I was "John" in case anyone was wondering) yes lafayette is french and so would know french and so wouldnt be in a french class but it's not terribly relevant which class it is, there's like one french joke that might seem out of context otherwise eahjsgfsdshjdfh shush
> 
> anyway enjoy this bullshit that legitimately happened.

Erin: OMFG

Erin: sorry

Erin: sorry

Erin: im so sorry

Hercules: what

Alexander: uh?

Lafayette: huh

Hercules: yeah i have no diea

Hercules: *idea

Erin: I SAID SORRY

Alexander: for?

Lafayette: FOR WHAT

Hercules: BUT WE DONT KNOW WHAT FOR

Erin: I DIDNT MEAN TO TEXT THAT!!

Hercules: Drama of the Class

Alexander: oh

Lafayette: LMAO OK???

Erin: jeeez

Alexander: who cares?

Peggy: huh

John: lol what

Hercules: UM OMFG

Erin: dude, i just cursed in the chat that has my teacher dumby

Alexander: OMFG NO WAY YOU DID THAT AHAHAHA

Peggy: lol

James: what is going on-

Hercules: NO OMFG OH L

Lafayette: No idea but its p entertaining

Alexander: LMAFO NOOOOO

Peggy: ^^

Hercules: OMFG WE SHOULD HAVE A P-ENTERTAINING PARTY

John: what

Hercules: idk laf what is this «p-entertaining»

John: i think it’s “pretty entertaining”?

Lafayette: yep

Alexander: thats what i figured

Peggy: yea that’s what it means

Alexander: quirky

Hercules: wow oml I am shocked at your answer to the classes largest drama since «OMFG»

Lafayette: oop

Alexander: this thing started bc of a mistake lmao

Hercules: well you know what popsicles were a mistake

Hercules: that were amazing

Hercules: so

Alexander: so were you but ya know

Hercules: OH *LORD* DONT SAY THAT

John: oooooohhhhh

Erin: this is dumb

Hercules: no

John: oh i thought it was “p entertaining”

Alexander: you started it erin

Hercules: p’entertainment, a division of EA

Peggy: what are you talking about erin? this is p entertaining

Erin: yeah because of a mistake

Alexander: its p-entertaining

Erin: also it’s Aaron

Hercules: i work for a pyramid scheme

Erin: Erin is my legal name

Alexander: so erin is your name

Hercules: wait weren’t you «Bethany» in grade 5

Hercules: so this is a new name like that

Peggy: erin is a cool name

Peggy: erin

Erin: Yeah but I’m trans so don’t be a dick

John: um are we endorsing deadnaming

John: not cool

Hercules: I WASNT WHAT

Peggy: smh

Alexander: bruh lmao

Hercules: erin stop i was just asking wow omfg

Alexander: how dare you

Erin: that was for other reasons

Hercules: I am so f* confused

Erin: I’m aaron. I am a boy. that is it

Peggy: ohhh ok cool :)

John: I’m John and I have no gender, yo

Alexander: ok congrats

Hercules: ok

Lafayette: cool beans

Peggy: lol

Erin: I still have to use Erin on my accounts for school because that’s my legal name. that’s it really

Lafayette: Aw that kinda sucks

Alexander: dude we seriously dont care

Hercules: I love waking up to the smell of a freshly-opened can of CAMPBELLS TOMATO SOUP

Erin: I’m just explaining you ass.

Lafayette: As long as we know ur name its all good

Peggy: hahahaha this is funny

Hercules: I wake up early to open the can, and then i go back to bed

Peggy: I’m a bit lost

Alexander: no need for name calling

Hercules: when i wake up, i smell the metallic-scented tomato soup can

John: lowkey

Hercules: unfortunately

Erin: as long as they don’t dead name I’m fine

Hercules: last night i knocked it onto my white carpet

Lafayette: bruh is herc ok

Peggy: im here lol

Hercules: this is the beginning of the Red Carpet tradition at the Oscars

Alexander: herc having a storke

Peggy: i dont think my mic is working

Peggy: i think it was just a simple mistake on their part

Lafayette: a storke

Hercules: royalty would kick their cans onto their carpets, hence the «red carpet”

Lafayette: ohhh

Alexander: what does that have to do with anything

Angelica: Hercules you good my dude

Hercules: At the Oscars every year, the ceremonial «royalty» kick the cans of Campbell’s Tomato Soup (family sized) over the white carpet

Hercules: it is an honour to stomp on the soaked carpet

Alexander: bruh like what

John: yo im just vibing

Alexander: p-entertaining

Lafayette: This chat has mixed vibes

Hercules: the tomato soup stains on your shoes represent the hundreds of years of campbells tradition

Lafayette: It isss thooo

Hercules: and that is why the «red carpet» is fancy

Eliza: This chat is scaring me

John: good

John: this is normal

Lafayette: eggactly

Hercules: to think it started because some king wanted that tomato soup in a can scent in the morning and because he hated his staff

Hercules: this is tradition

John: cue Fiddler on the Roof

John: i was meh on that musical ngl

John: but whatever

Hercules: oh lol

Lafayette: noice lmao

Hercules: wanna make this chat 18+?

Hercules: Beer

Hercules: there

John: shjfhghjdgj

Angelica: taxes

Lafayette: adoption

Hercules: *dumps tea into harbor*

John: government

Alexander: *sad British noises*

John: I love this

Alexander: I love you

John: oh thank you u//w//u

Alexander: oh nvm

Hercules: *burns down White House and DC and wins the war of 1812*

Alexander: weeb

John: oh :(

Hercules: *happy Canadian noises*

Alexander: *x2*

Lafayette: does Canada really exist

Angelica: Lets burn down the white house

Eliza: im down

John: hey Texas is a hat pass it on

Alexander: bet

John: yes arson

Hercules: well i am a canadian citizen so i will make the war of 2020

Hercules: #LiberateTheSouth

Hercules: oh that had commie north vietnam vibes

Angelica: Eat the rich

Alexander: #liberatesouthpark

Hercules: eat saigon

Hercules: can someone pull a omfg

John: eat the rich is good and all but i dont endorse cannibalism

John: no literal eating people

Alexander: Speak for yourself

Hercules: WHY NOT

John: i did

Alexander: thems people yummy

Lafayette: Tastes like chickennn

Hercules: mmm i can taste the - 

Hercules: oh

Angelica: Idc eat the rich

Alexander: 3===D

Hercules: *gently pats the rich* *keeps in a cage*

Thomas: Pog

Alexander: POG

Lafayette: YUS

Hercules: gop

Hercules: Grand Old Party

Alexander: POG

Alexander: POG

Lafayette: wut

Thomas: Alexander that’s not very Poggers of you

Alexander: tuff

Hercules: live life like its 1099

Alexander: GG ezpz

Alexander: pog indeed

Hercules: so who here is a woman

Alexander: ew

Thomas: I GOT THE EXACT SMAE LIGHTSTRIP

Thomas: I HAVE THE REMOTE OF THAT THING

Angelica: me unfortunately

Alexander: Gross

Angelica: ikr

Hercules: yeah that is unfortunate

Alexander: day=ruined

Hercules: *sees Brit* LIFE RUINED

John: oh u mean ur day wasn’t ruined before

Lafayette: NOT THE REDCOATS

Hercules: that’s true i did see the *french*

John: run there’s gonna be an ambush

Lafayette: THE BRITISH R COMING

Hercules: do belgians taste like waffles

Eliza: probay

Eliza: probably

Angelica: maybe

Lafayette: i hope so

Lafayette: ill bring the syrup

Hercules: and the spanish taste like paella

Angelica: Lets go check

Hercules: CANADIANS ARE MAPLE

Alexander: yes

Hercules: put a piece of a canadian on your main belgian meal

Alexander: they blood is syrup

Lafayette: y u m

Angelica: Brit blood is just tea

Lafayette: ew but yeah

Hercules: irish are guinness

Alexander: ^^

John: what are we, hypothetically

Alexander: oppressed

James: motor oil

Peggy: ayo herc hand over that duck u stole

Lafayette: cars from cars 2

Hercules: well ethnically im ukranian so my blood is borscht

Alexander: pog

Hercules: in terms of nationality im supposed to be half maple half mcdonalds

Alexander: 50%super 50% sad

Lafayette: were coming after u first herc

Lafayette: same

John: yo i really cant dance this is depressing

Alexander: ;(

Hercules: mm borscht maple mcdonalds best combo

Lafayette: same

John: that’s why my cam is off

John: also bc i hate myself

Alexander: John can i call you parking lot?

John: yes

Alexander: dope

Alexander: p-lot

Hercules: hey parking structure

John: yo

Hercules: *car park*

John: I’m surprised the teacher hasn’t told us to stop chatting

John: surprised but glad

Lafayette: shes gon forget dw

James: She did a min ago

Hercules: I am very fkagl

Lafayette: she doesn’t actually care

Hercules: glad

John: she said that we “should” not that we had to

John: fkagl

Lafayette: eggactlyyy

Hercules: shouldn’t you ain’t not be don’t that?

John: wh at

Angelica: i think herc had a stroke

Lafayette: n o

Hercules: nice stroke J I M

Hercules: * P A M

Eliza: It was pam

Erin: Have you ever Really Been Far Even as Decided to Use Even Go Want to do Look More Like?

Hercules: pam cooking spray

Alexander: yes

Lafayette: don’t u mean ham

Angelica: spam

Lafayette: oui

Hercules: please spray your cans of tomato soup with cooking spray BEFORE and DURING the spilling

Alexander: imagine not having a webcam

Angelica: Can’t relate

Hercules: i love to puncture funeral caskets with my amazing sticks

Alexander: Angelica knows whats up

Lafayette: interesting hobby

Hercules: its actually a L I F E S T Y L E

Alexander: ok boy chill

Lafayette: can i J O I N

John: whose caskets

Hercules: Seu-m’rdyty

John: ah i see

Hercules: yes please ]

Lafayette: yayyyy

John: im hungry

Eliza: same

Alexander: yall wanna get food?

John: stomach empty, stomach angry

Lafayette: YUS

Hercules: «……………….m-» «QUIET»

Alexander: im trying for like some panda

Hercules: for no reason my quotes get turned into European guillemets quotes

Alexander: or mexican food

Hercules: she said, «hello»

Lafayette: food in general sounds good

Alexander: herc you wanna come?

Alexander: laf youre invited too

Hercules: no i don’t im saving myself

Lafayette: ooo thank u

John: stomach go grrr

John: im tired

Lafayette: saving yourself for what

Hercules: the word children has a double meaning

Alexander: p-lot wanna come too?

John: good question

John: um yeah sure

Hercules: its actually PC to say plentertainment

Lafayette: FOOD FIELD TRIPP

Alexander: bet

Hercules: we have been messaging for 40 minutes

John: damn

Hercules: starting with the classic OMFG

Alexander: i feel so close to you guys

Lafayette: a beautigul start

John: bonding

John: lovely

Lafayette: same

Lafayette: yall cool

Hercules: we need to fo rr m a stroke pa ct

Angelica: ✨Friendship✨

Alexander: herc isnt allowed

John: *insert a choir singing here*

Alexander: choir dumb

John: aw

Hercules: insert communist dictator

John: w

Alexander: herc is back in

Angelica: Very fun

Lafayette: yayyy for herc

Alexander: pog

Alexander: youre on thin ice herc

Hercules: in my day with drank the slots of our agora

John: my laptop b overheatng

Angelica: ha

Hercules: 42 minutes of traditional messaging

John: >:(

Alexander: she like could tho

John: who

John: who could what

Hercules: we need a chat dance to perform at cultural events

Lafayette: im confused

Lafayette: i agree

John: what culture

Hercules: this

Hercules: is

John: sparta

Hercules: c’EsT cUlTuRe

Alexander: imagine not chatting with us tho smh

John: are we the cool kids now

Lafayette: thatd be lameeee

Lafayette: o u i

Eliza: must suck

Angelica: damn

Hercules: iamgjip pa iso usp

Alexander: when school starts up we finna be best friends

Hercules: no we will

Lafayette: yus bet

John: chronic pain check

Hercules: Pleanteantrijtaimnetment

Lafayette: chronic pain

Lafayette: in da brain

Alexander: sounds like what Hercules has

John: now im hungry and my knee is being weird

Hercules: Konikrijke Pleanternatijjjmej De j Van Jjj dutch

Alexander: see

Lafayette: oml herc ded

Hercules: how to be dutch: add a Van to your last name and

Hercules: speak drunk german with an english accent

John: thanks for the advice

Alexander: bro 5 minutes left

Lafayette: thank u for ur wisdom

Angelica: nice

Hercules: Yes Van Laurens and Van Lafayette

John: i cant find the thing

Hercules: also use j’s in everyhtjing

John: the thing

John: where

Lafayette: bet

John: is it

Hercules: and double vowels

John: oh wait theres thething

John: found it

Alexander: yoo

Lafayette: the thing?

John: the thing

Alexander: what did erin want to be called again?

Hercules: so when you are haavjing a coenversatjin, this beeaty is happjeening

Eliza: aaron

James: aaron

Lafayette: Aaron

Alexander: thats right

Alexander: my b

Lafayette: all good

Hercules: this is Hercules Van Mjulljigan, spjikoong oeut

Alexander: yoo

Alexander: laf

Alexander: pog

Erin: wat?

Alexander: nothing forgot wat yiu wanted to be called

Hercules: it is aaron van bjurr

Hercules: dutch woman from the hague

Hercules: *person

Hercules: **boy

Hercules: whoooooops

Erin: eh. honest mistake.

Lafayette: yo alex

Lafayette: poggers

Lafayette: omegalul

Erin: wait, dutch?

Eliza: pogchamp

John: yes dutch haven’t u been keeping up

Alexander: poggers indeed

Alexander: letss goooo

Lafayette: bye yall

Angelica: Fair well bois

Alexander: peace

Hercules: yeja wii aare djuutsch

Lafayette: love yall

Eliza: later

Hercules: bey

John: bye

Hercules: byje

**Author's Note:**

> was this actually enjoyable  
> please tell me


End file.
